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I hated myself today
(I'm writing this on a Wednesday, Nov 3).
I'm annoyed, frustrated, agitated, irritated. Today is a day where I just want to quit everything, question my existence, and hide under a rock. A day where I go through every past decision and think "Shit".
I have a lot of screaming fucks in my head.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why the fuck can't I be happy?
Why the fuck am I ungrateful?
Why the fuck do I avoid success?
Almost every time in my life, my fucks have been very complex, multi-layered. It's never one single fuck, always a multiple of them. In for a penny...
What an idiot, I think to myself.
Only this time, the "What an idiot" stage is two-fold. I'm not only an idiot for feeling this way, I'm an idiot for thinking I'm an idiot. I shouldn't be doing that anymore. Right.
So what do I do? Stupidly, I push through. Thinking, "it's only temporary". And I know, I know that everytime I feel like a headless chicken, manic, frenzied, zoned out, that I need to stop. But I feel unaccomplished, I haven't done any "proper" work for some two weeks. I still have very important things on my to do list that I haven't been able to do.
Judge myself much?
What an idiot.
There's a lot going on in my head. It feels like I've put it on a very long wash cycle with strong spins. Thoughts are racing, head is hurting. I literally could see myself banging in a wall - and feeling like that too. Like there's a small me just behind my eyes, inside my head, who's pushing through and hitting a wall - not being able to go any further.
Luckily, the past 20 months of inner work have made me more in tune with myself and my mind than ever, so when it served me with an image of hitting a wall, AND a painful head, I stopped. I started paying attention. I listened.
Okay, the head is now a bit clearer. But I still feel the rage in my fists. The pit in my stomach. My teeth, clenching.
What have I done to myself?
And for what?
How is anything worth it feeling this way?
There's no point in being mad with myself. With feeling angry because when someone says that what I do with Unsetting Expectations is outstanding, and that my work is stunning, I feel that's untrue. I sink in. Feel like a fraud. Why can't I take a compliment? Why don't I feel it's true?
I know the answers is layered with complexities. There's so much going on - growing up in a patriarchal system, never getting any compliments or praise, being made to feel worthless, not being allowed to "look happy" because someone was always in a bad mood and I was upsetting them.
Yes, on a rational level, I know that all of these things are out of my reach and were out of my control. Most days today, I am in peace with everything that's happenned and I've learnt to live with it. But some days, like today, I'm enraged. I'm angry it happenned. I'm angry it bothers me.
I'm angry it makes me resent and move away from success. I'm angry it slowed me down before. I'm angry it slows me down now.
Oh wait — what did I just unpack?
All of these heavy feelings were sitting inside of me. Making a rumble. Owning the story.
And the "only" thing I've felt is that I'm hitting a wall because I couldn't concentrate and get "important" things done?
Don't go and get angry at yourself because you couldn't do something when you wanted. That feeling is temporary. The exhaustion, whatever has caused it, isn't - and it requires a break.
So stop, breathe, and think. Or write things down. Or shout out loud. Or record a voice note. Have a therapy session with your dog. Whatever helps.
Just go and articulate it, whatever hides under that surface feeling. Because before, I'd spend weeks, hell, months, even years, hitting my head against a wall. Without knowing. Without realising. Without anyone telling me (bullshit, Franka, even if they'd told you you wouldn't listen).
So. Are you listening?
Are you paying attention?
Are you hitting a wall?