I cannot even begin to describe to you how weird and cringe, and just "yuk" I've felt by going online randomly to talk about what's in my brain on Thursday. I have battled — and still am — so many thoughts around, is this worth it? Is it valuable to anyone? See for yourself! 👇
The fear was stemming from a place of vulnerability. And vulnerability is, by definition, being 'exposed to the possibility of being harmed'. So of course I felt afraid. Of course, my mind and my body were doing their best to make me NOT do it.
But at the same time,
I am done
I am done with feeling isolated and lonely in what I'm going through, and I'm committing to being so, so, SO open and transparent and honest and vulnerable here because I believe that if people can actually see me walking, or running, or falling, or jogging, or whatever it is, through my challenge and through my issue then whatever happens in the black box, the messy middle, is less tangled and more accessible.
I am done with questioning if what I do is good enough for other people because it never feels good enough to me.
I am done with feeling like I'm not good enough.
I am constantly thinking that I am not giving you enough, and when I think about everything that I want to do, it becomes too much at the same time.
But I have no idea how to get there. I trust that I will, and in that, if anything by pure logic, it means that you will find out too by me writing this down and sharing all of it.
Honestly, when typing every single word of this newsletter (and possibly why I "needed" such a big break), I feel resistance. I feel like I am writing content that is cringey and painful and a bit annoying. "Why would anyone care?" "You're annoying people." "They'll think you just want attention." "All you talk about is 'me, me, me'."
And to an extent, that's true. I am mostly talking about myself. But the premise is that by talking about myself and my experience, everyone finds a piece of yourselves in my words. Because in reality, this is really just my truth. Straight from the heart.
And how could a truth be too much? Or not enough?
That's what I will be pondering on for the weekend.
Have a lovely one.
With warmth and love,