I've been in hiding (the last 3 months of my depression)

I've been in hiding (the last 3 months of my depression)
Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy / Unsplash

I've been dealing with depression pretty much all my life in one shape or form.

However, the one thing that remains the same throughout is that I'm high functioning in that state. If you don't dig deep into me, you won't realize I'm struggling.

I believe this comes as a result of high levels of self-awareness, for which I can thank my intelligence. But, that also makes it harder for the professionals to assess me as well. But when all coping strategies and masks fall, what's left might leave you in disbelief.

The last 3 months have been difficult.

I have lost all my energy, willpower, and motivation. It felt like someone had trapped me inside my own mind, tying my hands and sowing my lips over, and my mind slowly decaying into the abyss.

It has been painful to witness this for myself, as having the self-awareness of what's going on makes you feel like a victim in a hostage environment. A hostile takeover inside your own mind.

However, I sat through it, patiently. Went to therapy, where I realized just how used I am to these situations that I fail to mention that a simple thing like taking a shower or brushing my teeth felt like climbing Mount Everest. I have lived with these feelings for so long (on and off) that I forgot that's not how everyone feels on a daily basis because it genuinely was and is my norm.

I have felt apathetic toward everything, including food (which is unseen to me). I did not have an interest in eating, or the creativity to cook a delicious and innovative meal, or to make myself a cup of coffee that is not instant. I gave myself the permission slip to choose the easiest routes possible to store more energy for the things that matter (for later).

That meant: eating more takeaway, whilst trying to balance out the ingredients in it; asking for more help and relying on others; being "good enough" and not perfect in things like house chores; having my hair washed in a salon instead of me doing it myself (because it would take me daaaaaysss to make myself do it), etc.

However, that also meant: learning to let go of the guilt of the extra money I spend on activities I could usually do on my own; struggling with extreme guilt and feelings of disappointment for my businesses and everyone included; parking writing my Master Thesis for the time being, etc. I did some with higher levels of success than others.

Dealing with this is hard work, and I have so much more to say. The good thing is - I've finally found the energy to start conveying my thoughts in words again. Oh, how I've missed it! I was lost on that ability for quite some time.

I hope this momentum continues growing, sustainably as it should, so I can continue sharing my thoughts with you along the way.

I have no idea what lies ahead, but let's see. As one of my dear friends said yesterday, when you're in a sandstorm, you need to keep believing you'll get out of it until you can properly see again.

I'd like to believe that once this period when your eyes are burning and your head is spinning and everything is messy is over, the serene part is to be enjoyed much more — I'll let you know.

Tell me — how have you been? Hit reply and let's talk. I've missed you.

PS. If you're waiting on a reply for me, thank you for your patience. I'm gearing up to be able to open my email and start working it out 🙏